I was in 3rd grade waiting for my  ex-step-aunt’s (my whole family really embraces divorce) gymnastic class to end.  I brought a book to read  (they are always a great way to opt out from being social, right?) and sat down.  I watched the class for awhile and started to read.  I had done this a lot lately after school, she had class twice a week and then we went home to her house until our Moms got off work.

So — I’m sitting there reading, the class is finally ending, I close my book and look up and notice a girl from the class walking over to me.  What? That’s weird, why is she coming straight over to me?? I don’t know her, I start to panic, I look around to see if she is coming to talk to someone else — she stops in front of me and starts frantically moving her hands — what the hell is she doing????  Is she having a seizure or something???  She stops, takes a breath and goes slower and says as she keeps moving her hands “h-e-l-l-o m-y  n-a-m-e  i-s D-e-b-b-i-e, w-h-a-t  i-s  y-o-u-r  n-a-m-e?” What??! She thinks I’m deaf, perfect….  My so called aunt is now laughing hysterically and says “she’s not deaf, she’s just bored!”  oh. my. god. I am now totally mortified.

I have always been shy – like seriously, socially awkward (terrified, horrified, petrified — you name the ied and I’m it.)  Being an only child whose Mom worked, moved a lot and spent the days mostly by myself probably didn’t help and combine that with a fascination with people watching (so much easier than actually talking to a person)  I was a very unchatty kid.  It probably didn’t help that I was always told that I was “so adult”, “so grown up for my age,” that kind of happens when you’re on your own.

My mind races with witty conversation, things I should say — but does it actually come out of my mouth? Nope.  I get so caught up in not saying something stupid – that of course, I say something stupid…Ugh… and the worst part?  It has never changed!!

I often think back to the whole gym class debacle as proof that I’ve always had a problem with social situations — please, oh please, don’t ask me to mingle, life is just cruel sometimes.